Time scales superimposed.
These same four walls
Contain an impossible vision –
This should never have happened,
Could never have occured.
The universe is warped, twisted
Glimpses of my self in times,
Ages, galaxies long past.
Yet watch me revel
In the bliss of a stolen life
Stood on tiptoes, leaning in.
Is it me? actions repeated,
Words I said, moves I made.
But them! They’re different
Better watch my back.
My name is Lila. I am Lila. I am she, she is me.
I am a writer, a reader. I am a listener, and a sharer. I collect things, and want to be better. I am a learner, a lover of things, a hoper.
There is a sadness in my heart, I am Melancholy. I am the mind stuck in the past, the overthinker, the forever in love.
Sometimes I paint my nails, and then I let them chip. I wear tight dresses, or give up and let it all go. I want to seduce, but still, always, be one of the boys.
I am Lila. Play of the gods. An entity of pleasure, something of a higher nature.
I’ll tell you my story, and speak it again. Everytime, I am more me, closer to truth, somewhere on this journey.
My name is Lila, I am she, she is me.
And now I’m 25.
It’s been six weeks. Seven now. From skin-burning, “I’m dying” sleepless nights to this – better? Chemicals running through me, but still I’m not sure.
I’m on antidepressants.
Is this right? Or could I do this on my own? No. It’s not the gig on Friday, it’s not exams. Not money, not housekeeping, not my love life. So… what? So…I’ve had help, for years, and now it’s come to this. Pills to keep me going, to stay out of the darkest depths and keep the fear in my stomach at bay. For six weeks, now seven, it’s worked. I’ve taken it all in my stride, risen to the challenge and gone back to class. Started discussions, mulled it over and loved my job(s). And things are better, more under control, I feel fine. And happy.
But I’m also tied to them. These pills, if I stop, could give me withdrawals. I depend on them, they keep me going. Or do they? I’d like to think I am whole, on my own. But still…the fear. Like tonight, through all the music, the lights, the fun – that sinking feeling was back. I had to halve the dose and so I’m unsettled again. Shakes, tears, falling, waves of fear. The anxiety is back.
So thank you for bearing with me. For sticking by, for reading me, for hugs and smiles. Thank you for the music, the trust and the love. And let’s talk about it! Our struggles, our pains and fears. Let’s talk about medication and antidepressants and how they work, or don’t. There’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of, it happens – this is the world we’re in. Together I’m stronger. We all are.
Inspiration, rain down on me
Fill my lungs,
Light my brain
Move my lips and shake my limbs
Pluck my strings, rip my world apart.
Save me from the uselessness
And let my heart yet sing.